I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
