I feel like abortions should bother me more
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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