my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
