the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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