my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize