i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
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