I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
