you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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