so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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