Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
