Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
