you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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