Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
do herpes really smell.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
