we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
