if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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