you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
