My room smells like vodka and shame
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize