She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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