Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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