Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
