Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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