I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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