I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
