apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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