Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
