census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
