My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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