he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Randomize
