take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
