i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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