She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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