Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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