Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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