she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
