"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Randomize
