shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
