new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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