Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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