Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
