Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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