Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
