he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
