i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She tied me up with her honor cords...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
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