I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Alive.
So much puke
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
