Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
