I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She's the barista slut.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
