Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
