I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
