he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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