there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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