Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
