my phone cant type all the emotion im having
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
