East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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