They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
