Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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